Film: 'I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle' (1990)

It is, apparently, de rigueur that the subject of a vampire film be sexy (actually, this puzzles me a bit - aren't they supposed to be monsters? So why do they always have to look like really pretty, albeit pallid, people?). Declining to adhere to the usual definitions thereof, this bloodsucker is neither French nor sparkly. Seriously, though, don't you want to watch a gorgeous, classic Norton Commando motorbike chase down crossbow-slinging Hell's Angels and fill up its petrol tank with their blood? I know I do. If you like the sort of 'horror' films that leave you giggling and shaking your head rather than hiding behind the sofa, this one's for you. I'm not sure that 'ridiculous' is a strong enough descriptor. Predictably, halfway through I started going 'Oh, the poor little motorbike, it's only thirsty, why can't you just let it have a wee drink, you selfish, nasty beasts!"

Highlight: Catholic priest (played by C-3PO) and stubbly dispatch rider heading into battle kitted out with garlic bandoliers.